I was making dinner in the kitchen, I’d had a small amount of vodka, probably only a shot or two. * was walking around. I stacked it on my ass. Don’t think the vodka went well with the efexor. Kept making dinner, drinking every now and then. I came back into the lounge and stacked it over something. I msned jordi and asked him to call me cos I wanted to speak to him even though he was set to away.
I eventually went back to the kitchen to finish off the cooking and * came with, being that it was past dinner time anyway. * came up behind me and gave me a hug which wasn’t great but was okay. * chucked one arm around my stomach and I went to move away but * bit me. I protested and said “I have a boyfriend.” * said “it doesn’t matter, I won’t bruise”
I don’t know what happened I was feeling pretty gone and then I crawled to the bedroom feeling guilty and got my blades. I cut up my arms.. I was just sitting there bleeding and watching it on the kitchen floor and * appeared again. I don’t even remember if I tried to struggle though I’d like to hope that I did.
* dropped down and pushed me back throwing the blade away and licked up the blood from the cuts. * held me down by my throat. * told me I wasn’t bleeding enough for him, * lifted my shirt and bit me on the ribs and on my neck too. I struggled then. I said “fucking give me back my blades.” But * said no. and went on biting and touching and holding me to him. I held my jeans tightly so they wouldn’t come down even when * tugged at them.
I struggled free and crawled away out into the garage and * eventually got up and followed me. I felt so dirty and guilty I grabbed new blades and slashed up my arms badly. * came and grabbed me again and idk what happened
I was sobbing and struggling but * just held me there. I thought jordi would hate me and would be mad at me. It was my fault. I just wanted to die. I couldn’t get back to the blades. I just cried. The phones had been ringing the whole time. I had 33 missed calls on my mobile all jordi. Home phone too. * wouldn’t let me get up to answer it. Eventually I just dropped face first onto the tiles and lay still with my eyes closed. I was so tired. I just lay there and * thought I’d fallen asleep or something. I scrambled up and grabbed the phone and cried to jordi.
I don’t remember much of what I said but I ran to my mother’s bedroom and locked the door. I was speaking to jordi so I locked the door and dragged a heavy blanket box behind the door. To try and make sure * stayed out.
* came in anyway and tried to hug me and clean up my cuts. I just kept crying. Whatever * cleaned my cuts with burned. * brought me in some dinner but I didn’t want it. I didn’t respond. I just stayed on the phone to jordi. Just kept crying.
I gave the phone to * and he and jordi spoke. * told jordi he was sorry that he’d damaged jordi’s goods and that * would pay him compensation. * came in to hand the phone back. * started yelling at me. I just curled up under the blankets. And closed my eyes and waited to be hit. * didn’t hit me just yelled. Eventually * got his stuff and left. But * came back because * got lost. I didn’t let him in. I just called * a taxi and told him to go or I’d call the police.
I couldn’t let * back in. I was afraid.
I’m sorry. I know it’s all my fault. i've lay here awake all night. i want to feel safe. i'm numb. it's all my own fault.
Current Mood: 
dirty
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
deathofthewench's journal
aggravated
thankful
contemplative