the icelett vampress

jodi picoult is my god.

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 06:38:20 GMT

i have never heard someone so aptly describe this feeling.
"i move, wincing as we are ripped apart. it doesn't feel the same. now that i know what it's like to feel complete, it's no good to be by myself."
truer words never spoken.
<3

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 14:14:25 GMT

sooo, i think things will be okay in the end.
i'm sitting here tired and frustrated but at least i achieved something today. i went and applied for 2 jobs that look promising.
seems i need to clear something up: I WAS NOT RAPED. I WAS SEXUALLY ASSAULTED. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE!
okay now that i'm done with that,
i love my jordi, i love my new collar, i love that my friends are so hot and cold with each other because it amuses me and i love them all.
anyway,
that is all for now.
will write some more tomorrow maybe.
nighnight.

confused.

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 04:10:41 GMT

i'm sitting here cold and angry and sick. i don't understand why this all happened. this isn't a "oh woe is me" entry, just a vent i suppose. even thinking about * makes me angry. my whole world seems to have shrunk.
so * went to the police. it amazes me he'd even consider it. but then again, perhaps that means he is sure that i would not be able to get him on charges of sexual assault. he said i have his things here. WRONG. my jordi and i got rid of his towel and shirt. and his glasses were never found.
MY HANDS ARE TIED and he knows it. i can't do anything or my family will find out.
i want to stab him or myself. pretending i'm coping gets me nowhere. my head hurts. i just want to feel safe and happy and forget everything, why won't he just allow it?! everything would have been fine if he had've just stayed out of my life. but no. instead he has to be petty and shallow. sick.
i feel like the fucking antichrist. dirty and stupid and hopeless and evil. why is it that all of a sudden I am the one at fault. this is not right. where to from here?
god only knows.

Sun, 15 Jul 2007 07:01:46 GMT

*curls up*
so here i am. cold. tired. numb. i wish i had my emotions back.
my family is home. i'm pretending i'm okay and doing a pretty damn good job if i do say so myself.
i just want my jordi here with me. i miss him. i'm so lonely and sad and lost without him.
besides that, i'm fine.
there's one part of me that feels guilt. guilt for being so naive, and for not being able to get over it. there are those who have actually been RAPED and they get up and get on with life. i get assaulted and i fall in an emotional heap. i'm so angry at myself.
most of all i feel guilt for making those who love me sad. my jordi cried. he blames himself. it's not his fault. poor thing. i wish i could pretend i'm okay for him too. now if i could get my body to stop trembling and stop jumping everytime i hear an unusual noise or the doorbell, i'll be fine.
my cuts and bruises are healing.
god help me.
also, my grandmother's wedding ring is missing. i haven't seen it since * left in a rage. my mother will be devastated if it's lost. it's almost all the family has left of my grandmother. i'm not angry. i just want it back. it's nowhere in the house or in the car. i know, i've been cleaning since * left.
*sighs*
want to just sleep all this away.
want my jordi here.

stupid stupid stupid bitch.

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 22:35:15 GMT

I was making dinner in the kitchen, I’d had a small amount of vodka, probably only a shot or two. * was walking around. I stacked it on my ass. Don’t think the vodka went well with the efexor. Kept making dinner, drinking every now and then. I came back into the lounge and stacked it over something. I msned jordi and asked him to call me cos I wanted to speak to him even though he was set to away.

I eventually went back to the kitchen to finish off the cooking and * came with, being that it was past dinner time anyway. * came up behind me and gave me a hug which wasn’t great but was okay. * chucked one arm around my stomach and I went to move away but * bit me. I protested and said “I have a boyfriend.” * said “it doesn’t matter, I won’t bruise”

I don’t know what happened I was feeling pretty gone and then I crawled to the bedroom feeling guilty and got my blades. I cut up my arms.. I was just sitting there bleeding and watching it on the kitchen floor and * appeared again. I don’t even remember if I tried to struggle though I’d like to hope that I did.

* dropped down and pushed me back throwing the blade away and licked up the blood from the cuts. * held me down by my throat. * told me I wasn’t bleeding enough for him, * lifted my shirt and bit me on the ribs and on my neck too. I struggled then. I said “fucking give me back my blades.” But * said no. and went on biting and touching and holding me to him. I held my jeans tightly so they wouldn’t come down even when * tugged at them.

I struggled free and crawled away out into the garage and * eventually got up and followed me. I felt so dirty and guilty I grabbed new blades and slashed up my arms badly. * came and grabbed me again and idk what happened

I was sobbing and struggling but * just held me there. I thought jordi would hate me and would be mad at me. It was my fault. I just wanted to die. I couldn’t get back to the blades. I just cried. The phones had been ringing the whole time. I had 33 missed calls on my mobile all jordi. Home phone too. * wouldn’t let me get up to answer it. Eventually I just dropped face first onto the tiles and lay still with my eyes closed. I was so tired. I just lay there and * thought I’d fallen asleep or something. I scrambled up and grabbed the phone and cried to jordi.

I don’t remember much of what I said but I ran to my mother’s bedroom and locked the door. I was speaking to jordi so I locked the door and dragged a heavy blanket box behind the door. To try and make sure * stayed out.

* came in anyway and tried to hug me and clean up my cuts. I just kept crying. Whatever * cleaned my cuts with burned. * brought me in some dinner but I didn’t want it. I didn’t respond. I just stayed on the phone to jordi. Just kept crying.

I gave the phone to * and he and jordi spoke. * told jordi he was sorry that he’d damaged jordi’s goods and that * would pay him compensation. * came in to hand the phone back. * started yelling at me. I just curled up under the blankets. And closed my eyes and waited to be hit. * didn’t hit me just yelled. Eventually * got his stuff and left. But * came back because * got lost. I didn’t let him in. I just called * a taxi and told him to go or I’d call the police.

I couldn’t let * back in. I was afraid.

I’m sorry. I know it’s all my fault. i've lay here awake all night. i want to feel safe. i'm numb. it's all my own fault.

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 12:13:21 GMT

the wenchlett is happy this evening. yes un petit peu lonely, but happy nonetheless..
how happy he makes me. worth every moment apart..

my heart sings that i may sit beside your feet,
my soul rejoices when you call
happy am i that i am chosen and owned by you
you are my true everlasting love and Master.
my love for you will never fail though i may fail.
be mine for always and i shall serve as i can.
my love. my Master. i thank you.

soluna- for all time...

Fri, 06 Jul 2007 13:13:57 GMT

so i'm sitting here, listening to the song in today's title, and making an effort not to cry. stupid goddamn song. but it's true. it's how i feel. i miss the talking and the closeness.. i'm feeling ripped up inside, and unimportant. i wish i didn't. i wish we could just talk it out. and i wish he could at least pretend to care. emo wench. extremely emo wench. i'd off myself if i had a way. that way he'd be free and i wouldn't have to cope with this pain. it is so so SO shit.
off to fuck a scalpel blade.
goodnight.

sighs and stabs herself

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 16:53:29 GMT

honestly. what the fuck.
there must be something wrong with my head.
one minute, i'm dying for sex, the next i think WHY THE FUCK DO I GET SO RILED OVER PEOPLE BEING FORCED?! i was NEVER forced to do anything i didn't want. i was shy but sure whatever, i got over it. i was happy, so what the fucking fuck has changed. i love him. the rest of the negative thoughts can just fuck off.
oh, and relapse with both my bad habits.
much grace upon you all.

death of the wench..

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 17:10:45 GMT

well, c'est moi, et c'est la vie. i'm sitting here at 3am wondering why it is that i feel so neglected. it's my own fault of course but watch the death blades run here. if i am not careful soon i'll be locked back away in my glass tower and safe but oh so goddamn bored again.. so perhaps this "journal" may help me out.. just maybe..

watch it break and bleed and flow
the silver flashes creating crimson works of art
against the shimmer of too white flesh
not bothering with hiding any longer
show the world what once hid with shame
becomes my marks of pride to bear
until they fade and peace begins
or terror shows it's ugly face and
once again the metallic song will echo
amusing still i find the similarity between
cause and effect, what's caused is no different than
what causes it.. too cryptic i am now..
listen carefully those who dare
selfish pain and suffering may bring you near the edge
and any little push will set you falling, falling..
goodnight sweetheart.. may you dreams be more pleasant
than my waking reality.

so, welcome to my crypt.. shall the madness now begin? we shall see.
xx